Sunday, July 24, 2011

My Thoughts On Reading My Diaries Many Years Later

I recently went back in time and mentally relived a part of my past, beginning at the young age of 16.  I kept a diary back then.  It was my first diary, one of 8 to follow.  I continued to write in a new diary during different stages of my life from that point on.  Even then, I realized that this was something special, a way for me to preserve memories to reflect upon one day when I am much older, and to be able to someday share it with my kids and grandkids.  Upon reading these there were some entries that I would not want anyone to read.  In fact, I scribbled out a few things!  Just a few.  And some pages have been torn out previously.  I had these diaries in my hope chest and one by one I read every single page.  With each diary I saw how things changed, how I changed, the way I expressed myself as I grew from a teenager, to a wife, and to a mother.  I once again felt those feelings of happiness, fear, sadness, and excitement. There were deaths, births, illnesses, friends coming and going in my life, my kids growing up so fast (and those wonderful teenage years), and house building.  I even wrote down prices of things like food, gas, clothing, appliances, electronics, movies, etc.  Which by the way, some appliances and electronics cost more then than they do now. 

There were a few things that surprised me in my journaling.  One is, I could not believe how often I ate at fast food restaurants as a teenager.  I am certain it was because it was the affordable choice, it was convenient, and it tasted good.  Not to mention the fact that I was very skinny, very young, and without the slightest concern about my arteries and cholesterol, just so long as I wasn’t getting fat.  As the years went on my diet changed for the better.  Today I rarely eat fast food, and I try to eat the foods that are good for me.  I’m sure that is due in part to the fact that I am well aware of age creeping in, and I’m trying to do things that will ensure a longer life. 

My movie choices as a teenager had much to be desired, but I’m sure that’s what you get when you go to a drive-in theatre, if you know what I mean.  Another thing I hadn’t really realized, until reading my diaries, is just how much time I spent with my mom after I married at the age of 18.  (Which, by the way, being married at 18 explains why we are no longer married, even though we did love each other.  We grew up and grew apart, and after 3 wonderful children and 25 years together, we went our separate ways.)  I often went over to mom’s house, and we would go shopping, or out to lunch.  My sisters would either still be living there or would come over to mom’s house too, and we would all hang out and talk or do things together.  For years I would see my mom at least 3 times a week, and talk to her on the phone even more.  My sisters and I and our mom were really close and did so much together.  We celebrated everyone’s birthdays and every holiday together.  Mom and dad were divorced, and dad had his place in our lives, too.  He wasn’t around as much, but we loved him just the same.  Mom was always buying my kids toys, clothes and gifts.  She would take them shopping at the dollar store and she would have them over for sleepovers.  My sisters and I would take turns having each others kids overnight.  At one point we had our own little club and we would meet at each other’s houses on Thursdays and have a meal together and talk about anything and everything women talk about.  Mom and I even took college classes together, and I have some fond memories of that time, like the time we could not stop laughing in class because the teacher said something, not meant to be funny, but we thought it was hilarious.  We were both going to be nurses, and we both changed our minds.  But we had fun in that year we were together in school.  I went on through, to the second year without her, and graduated with an Associate’s Degree in Liberal Arts.  Mom was right there cheering me on. During this period in my life I was married with 3 small children and also babysitting a couple of kids on a full-time basis.  It was tough trying to find time to study, let alone raise a family and maintain a household.

My diary from the time I was living in Germany with my dad, and attending Frankfurt American High School, jarred my memory on a few things that I had forgotten about.  Like, the time it took our bus 2 1/2 hours to get to school because of the snow, and the time a bunch of my friends were at a sleepover at Ruth's house and I woke up to find my bra in the freezer, and one day a month after our arrival in Germany my sister and I mailed out 31 letters back to the states.  Little did I know at the age of 16 that my long lost friends from school would become my friends on Facebook many years later!  Obviously, times have changed since the 70's. And whoever would have thought I'd be blogging my stories on a computer.

Another thing that I realized from my entries was how my memories of my kids always being these angelic-like beings, who never fought with each other and never got on my nerves, was wrong.  They did fight with each other and they did get on my nerves.  It’s so funny how those memories fade over time and how you remember all the good stuff more.  One day when my two oldest were 3 and 1 1/2, they kept fighting over their toys and crying at the same time.  I threw my hands up in despair and said, “I don’t want anymore kids!”  And my 3 year old daughter said in a ha-ha tone to her voice, “I don’t want no more mommies either!”  And then she added, “And no more daddies, too!”  It made me realize something there.  Maybe I was getting on her nerves, too.  Of course, I was blessed to have another child a year and a half later. 

One of my diaries was all about the home building process of our log home two decades ago.  What a job that was, building a house with our own hands, and working full time, raising 3 kids who were all involved in sports, dance, and music, and trying to have a life outside of building a house. 

Having diaries is just a small part of the many things I have done over the years to preserve memories. I have also saved things.  I guess I learned this from my mom.  She saved elementary school papers and drawings I did, post cards from camp, and letters from Dad in Vietnam.  I continued the tradition and started my own collection and saved a lot of things of sentimental value to me.  For my kids, I saved everything from baby clothes to baby teeth, favorite t-shirts from camp, vacations, or school sports, toys, books, hair clippings from first haircuts, lists of their vocabulary at certain ages, growth charts, school papers and art projects, newspaper clippings from their sports (all put in scrapbooks), notes, and so on.  I didn’t save everything, of course.  At the end of each semester in school I would go through their school work and save my favorites, or their favorites, like stories they wrote, etc.  And I would put them in a separate folder and label it.  They each have a folder for every grade, even some college.  I saved their favorite toys and the blankets my mom made them.  So now, each of my three kids has about 16 plastic totes, with their childhood memories tucked safely inside.  I know they appreciate that I did this for them.  But I didn’t do it just for them.  I did it for their children, and for their grandchildren, and I did it for me.  It made me feel good.  I can’t explain it, but I guess it makes me feel like I kept their childhood alive.

I realize now and have always known that my kids are my greatest blessings in life. I know that I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes in my life, I didn’t always do things exactly right, I have wanted to go back and change some things, and I have missed out on opportunities that were presented to me.  Aside from that, I am who I am because of the woman my mom and dad raised me to be, and because of the family values that were instilled in me, and because of my life’s circumstances that lead me down the path I’ve taken.  I may not be someone who has accomplished great things, but I do believe I am a good mom.  Reading my diaries gave me a glimpse of my past and reminded me of all the things I did do right.     
 

4 comments:

Zach said...

You're not just a good mom, you're the best mom

Amber said...

I loved reading this, mom. I learned some things that I did not know. Nana still talks about wanting to be a nurse and I had no idea she took some classes with you in hopes of getting a nursing degree. That's so cool. Great post!

Lisa Paul said...

What wonderful memories and so wise of you to keep a comprehensive diary in the decades before blogging.

tbsomeday said...

great post
how fun to go back and read your diaries!
you and amber are such good record keepers
i wish i did as well :)

and how very cool that you and al had crossed paths before
funny where life takes you